>This Always Happens

>This always happens – Whenever I am 60-75% done with an album, I go into this fit of worry, doubt, and extreme anxiety. I can almost count on it. It is a familiar feeling, but its familiarity makes it harder every time. At this point in time, I have no idea if this album is anything special. I am almost convinced that most of my lyrics were hurried, that the melodies are confusing, that my thoughts are distorted, and any attempts of linear structure became rubbish even before I started. I am almost certain that no one will “get it.” No one will understand the metaphors the way I wrote it. No one will fully appreciate every chord placement, or my signature G-Vo sound with elements of something they have never heard before.

I listen to a song to objectively critique it, and the problem is that there is nothing to critique. I grow so half-hearted to even committing to the fact that I am even ok with it being on the album, that I do not even have the desire to critique it. I have grown insane. I have become my worst critic. I have become a monster, who can never be happy with my artistic endeavors. Sometimes I can’t stand the way I sound – I hate the way I sing, and I laugh at the way I rap. I hate that my songwriting is immature, and my lack of extreme musicianship limits all the places I so desperately want to go.

This Always Happens.

The “Wasn’t Supposed to Be This Way” record wasn’t so bad. Afterall, it was my first attempt at being a solo artist. I mean what did people have to compare it to anyway. Even then I was pretty tough on my songs. “Zero & 1ne” was horrific. I remember 4 or 5 nights that I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t get myself to relax because of how mediocre I thought the entire record was. I couldn’t believe I let myself get so far into the record, and not know how bad it was. Now I am faced with the biggest dragon of them all – “Endangered Species.” This dragon doesn’t move me right now. I have no feelings when I work on it. I just go – and I go like a robot with a slight beating heart that can sense here and there – but is mainly mechanic in its approach for the most part. The people I work with try to calm me down. But I can’t be moved. When I get into a certain zone, I stay there – If I were watching me outside of myself, I would worry. The best part of the whole process is I’m a hustler. I conduct my day to day business with that mild mannered personality that you are used to – but inside, my heart beats with wrecklessness – You can’t get into an “endangered species mindset” without being some sort of a maniac.

This Always Happens.

The more I submit my desire for excellence tendencies to God, the more He intensifies it – The more my desire is – and the more I want to achieve my maximum potential. The more I die, the more I come out a different kind of specie. Go figure.

This Always Happens. I hope I don’t disappoint you. Even more, I hope I don’t disappoint God…That would kill me. Help me my Savior. Peace, and much love to you – John Bapist!

2 Responses

  1. brian

    >hmm, i wonder if you could turn this struggle that you have into some sort of song- This Always Happens, anyways, i sent you this invite to JJ Heller's page, take a listen to Small, Love Me, and Your Hands on her FB page

  2. Jeehong

    >Something M. Koh shared with me a few months back that may or may not be relevant: God has a "feedback loop" for us so that we're not left wondering about our work/effort by ourselves. Maybe a comment from someone over there, maybe a feedback from unexpected source. Watch out for feedback from the other side.

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