Good Morning 2012
One day I will have some kind of documentary on “Jeevo” where they will interview my family and friends about how I grew up, what they thought of me,etc. The year 2011 will be known as the year that took the most out of me in my 20s. If you categorize every year into bad or good, 2011 will find its own category as incredibly difficult. It was the year I felt most insecure. The year I felt most alone in my music. The year I felt most unwanted. I felt the most discouraged because everyone kept their mouth shut about every magical thing I did in music – either because it made them feel so insecure, or they genuinely didn’t think it was all that impressive. It was the year I felt most useless as an artist. This was especially difficult after coming out of 2010 – a year of great promise and hope. It was the year where I was physically in my lousiest shape ever – not just because of a torn ACL – but even in how I physically felt in general. It was easily the most emotionally volatile year in 10 years for me personally – perhaps not outwardly, but inwardly.
When I think of all the highs, they weren’t even that great. When I think of all the lows, I feel like disappearing. My soul went through so much conflict, that I feel like I will forever be marked with the limp. The same limp that Jacob received after he “wrestled” with God. The type of blow that I felt in 2011 had lasting affects. These consequences will be with me until the end of my lifetime.
For the first time in my adult life, I feel like I have nothing to lose. Everything that I was relatively attached to completely fell off. The only thing that matters to me are 3 things. God, those I love, and my music. I don’t care about anything else aside from these 3 things. I will be perfectly fine if these 3 things grow in and through me, and everything else falls apart.
I have lost close friends in 2011. I have been undermined in many unspoken ways. I have felt the distance and competition of those around me. Everything that I thought I built in people was coming to an end – a good old human halt. I got charged for things I shouldn’t have paid for. I invested in things that had very little fruit. I failed. Not only did I “fail” in music – I feel like I allowed it to bear a weight in the deepest parts of my worn soul.
It no longer helps me to know that great men and women of faith go through similar things. The hope of possibility does not sustain me in the same ways that it used to. The glimmer of sunshine remains a glimmer to me – and nothing else. I cannot rest in ideas of what will be. I cannot keep going just because I know it will get better. This is sobering isn’t it? When you get to this place, human optimism does very little.
The irony of 2011 is it has made me exactly who I have always wanted to be. A man who relies on complete and utter Grace. Grace is complete. It isn’t a handout to help those who help themselves. It isn’t Gatorade to make you last longer than your competitors. We do this to Grace don’t we? We make it into glucose – or vitamins – or a “blessing.” We make it into that extra edge we need to continue. This isn’t Grace at all – in fact, those things are spitting on Grace. Grace is everything. It is not the thing that makes us better. It is just the thing. It is the thing that makes us possible. It is the thing that comes before, during, and after anything we do or even see. It is the thing that gave a shy kid from Sri Lanka the ability to beast on stage. It is the thing that allows this shy kid to create – love – care – write – run – walk – stand. Grace is a person. It is everything. Grace is what gave us a fighting chance in the first place. God is bigger than His grace, but His grace seems to be sufficient.
In 2012, if I do anything, if I love anyone, if I help you, if I make you better – you will sense the hand of God only. I am no more. I have died in every sense of the word. I don’t even care if I get uglier, if I get physically worse, if I get worse as a musician, or if my product gets bad (or if it stays the same – even worse). From 2012 on, power will have to come from on High in order to reach the lowest – in order to reach me. When God works miracles, we become the miracles – more than the miracle that actually takes place. It is only a miracle because He worked with a human being to do it. This is probably the most provocative part of a miracle – to involve a mortal in the process. I am beginning to feel the shifting and molding of His miracles. I am the miracle.
On New Years Eve last year, I said my goal for 2011 was to learn how to use my staff more – to use my gift / craft more – to learn what it means to fully manipulate the things of this world for the glory of God. I told it to a group of 10 people at a dinner table in San Diego. I guess I should be careful what I ask for – because I always get what I ask for. This is key. We always get what we ask for. In 2012 – I ask for stadium status.
Happy New Year? No. Gracious New year. Peace, and much love to you – Jeevo.